Saturday, April 12, 2008
Here writes Urs truly!!!
Its not about doing stupid things. Its not about doing silly things. I won't tell you I'm ok. I won't tell you, I'm fine and feeling well. I'm not. She wanted a break, I gave. It was hard to give, but I gave. When I think back, about all the things she said she kept inside and finally blew on me, I wonder, would this happen if she would just tell each and everything bothering her before? I'm not blaming her nor am I trying to deny any of it. But wouldn't saying everything out in the open give the chance of solving it? Arguments would happen but at least I would know what's bothering her and why. Am I such a person that would not understand? Am I such a person that would be so unconcern and not give a listening ear? Am I? I'm not trying to be arrogant of sarcastic or egoistic. Have I not listened to my friends? Have I not been there for people? Have I not been there when there's a need for me? All I need, is to know. Its was my fault, yes. I neglected her, I didn't do anything. But it didn't mean I don't listen.
I'm hurting inside, each day passes and I still think of her, of all the times. It seems pathetic I know, but this is the deepest hurt I've felt. And yet its my second serious relationship, I just want her back very badly.
Remixed on..
4/12/2008 08:39:00 PM
Here writes Urs truly!!!
I swore on the day I stood beside my mother's grave, that I would not use this blog. That this blog would be destroyed, rid of all sorrow, regret and sadness. I have broken that. Today, is the 2nd day I have been feeling the thin thread. The thin tread that holds my heart tied to the love I have for Chanel. 2 days ago, with an infected throat which made me cough like hell. Guess what she told me, she wanted a break from our relationship. My heart stopped a beat. My hands trembled. My feet gave way. She said she was tired, wanted to feel single again. Tell me what does that tell you? She won't feel what I felt, she won't know. Cause our relationship is out the window. All she could say when I talked to her was "I don't know". She said, "I just want to feel single for 2 months". So what does that leave me to be? A friend? A brother? Its not the same. She won't know how it feels. Cause it won't matter, she'll have a queue of guys waiting to have her. I tried. I really tried. Breaking down each time she took so long to reply, or none at all. Not a single past emotion came out of her which we used to share. Not a single comfort to ease the pain. Just coldness.. The coldness that ripped and tore at my heart every single time, each hour, each min, each sec. I have done no wrong. I have not sinned or broken the sacred bounds of a relationship. All I ever did was let her have her way most of the time, and yet she tells me there a guiltiness that follows each time she does not go out with me. Have I ever restrained her from going out with her friends? No. Have I ever complained about the lack of time spent with me? No. I kept the jealousy of guys going after her inside. No anger came out except should there be alot done. What guilt is there? She says she still loves me. Can she feel the pain!? No. If she did, the guilt would not be there. If there was guilt, why would we be even together. If there ever should be a break in LOVE. It should not be called LOVE. Right now, the pain is strong. What she felt and cried for are nothing compared to this. The moment a guy cries, is the moment a boundary is broken. A boundary which is held within the heart. When a guy cries, the level of seriousness cannot be compared to anything sad in the world, because the hardest thing to do in the world, is make a guy cry. A guy would not cry in the eyes of defeat, a guy would not cry when faced with problems. A guy would only cry when the heart is broken, because that's where the weakness of all humanity is stored.
I don't believe in a break from a relationship. I only believe in the love that binds. No person would say that. No person bound by love should have a break. Cause love is the only thing that drives a relationship. You only say you want to have a break only when the love is faint. and love is gone. Thats why they call it a break. Its meant to BREAK the relationship tie. Its meant to BREAK the only thing that holds two people together. Get this right, its not KIT-KAT.
Quoting John Mayer who sings my heart out loud the loudest:"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, and waking up is the hardest part. You're out of bed and down on your knees. And for a moment you can hardly breathe, wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room, no she's not, cause she's gone gone gone gone gone.." "Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands, would you get them if i did? No you won't cause you're gone gone gone gone gone."
My love is still strong, because I would fall asleep with roses if i couldn't see her. Just for her to have it. I hope what she said is true. Bout still lovin' me, Cause that's what's making me hold on. I was standing on the top floor of my roof, thinking bout death. Its a thread holding me back.
After all this, I think of what I would become if I were to lose her. I'll go back. Back to what I was, full of hate, full of anger. Just a cold stoned heart, just like when I left my first love. Lord have mercy on my soul should that happen.
Here's to waiting on a miracle, should I have done anything wrong. I'm Sorry. Cheers.
Remixed on..
4/12/2008 01:28:00 AM
